This past week has been quite the test for me and I am still not completely over it. I feel like my meeting with my boss was unfair and I wish I had said a lot more than I actually did. I am realizing that I am the type of person that allows people to walk all over me and control my emotions. I do not do this on purpose, but I have such a fear of making people upset and of people hating me that I will go through great lengths to make everyone happy. If I feel that something will make someone upset with me, I will do what they want to try and 'win' favors with them so they will like me. Well, I am done with that. I worked my ass off the past 3 months, I stayed late for people, I stayed when it was busy even though I was supposed to go home, I helped with things around the clinic, I switched hours with people when they needed it, I prepped, cleaned, and scrubbed up after the very people I work with countless number of times, and I smiled the whole time. I called out one day for personal reasons that I would rather not get into right now and because of that one day I got a meeting with the boss. I was told that one of my bosses wants to fire me and I am being kept because I am being given a chance by the boss who called the meeting with me. I was astonished. I feel totally shot. My motivation level towards work now is pretty much gone.

While this meeting was occurring I was told many things that I did wrong and my boss felt that I was taking advantage her and her husband being Christian. Of course, I apologized because in no way did I even realize that she felt that way. It never occurred to me that they would feel that way, but I can see where she is coming from. Several months ago, like 4-5 months ago, I had some serious issues with calling out. I have changed and I got my act together the past 3 months. I can understand that my bosses do not trust me and there needs to be time before they see me as reliable. I am just frustrated that my hard work the past 3 months have pretty much gone unnoticed because of the one time I called out during the past 3 months. And maybe the reason my boss is keeping me is because she realizes that I am such a hard worker and I am always willing to do things for her. I am not sure. I am wounded right now.

During the meeting I never announced how I was feeling or what was going on in my head. I didn't get things out of my system that I probably should have said. Nothing I needed to say would have been inappropriate, but now for the past 3 days my thoughts about that meeting have been building little corrupt cities and they keep attacking each other. I feel really bad for the way my boss thought I was treating her by calling out. When will those times be put behind me though? Is this going to be held over my head for the rest of my career at this clinic? If so, I don't want to be there anymore. To be honest I have been thinking about searching for a new position elsewhere and I have been weighing the pros and cons. And I have been praying and seeking council from others. I am not sure what I am going to do, but for now, I am just going to continue to go to work everyday, put that smile on, and do the job that I know I am good at.

Encouragement and wisdom would be great.

This week was a pretty good one. A coworker asked to switch hours with me this weekend so I ended up having Saturday and today off. This upcoming week is going to be rough one. I am working six days in a row and about 42-43 hours, which means I will be at work for about 50 hours this next week. I am not looking forward to it actually. I have noticed that on my days off my anxiety increases. I constantly think about when I have to be back at work and I dread the hours that go by because it means I am closer to returning to work. I like my job a lot. I like what I do and I like what it means to do my job. I am a veterinary technician. The hours are long though. We sometimes get a full hour lunch, sometimes only like 20 minutes. I don't get breaks very often. It is a very fast paced, constant movement job and it is usually 9-10 hour days. I pray often for God to give me the energy and stamina to get through the day and to continue doing what I need to do, but sometimes it is really hard to smile.

My workout routine this past week went really well.
Pushups in a row: 7
Pullups: negatives and assisted
Longest run: 2.5 miles

I met with a really good friend and somewhat of a mentor to me on Friday night. I was exhausted from work and it usually takes me a couple hours before I can wind down from the long stressful day. I was almost going to skip out, but I knew I needed to get there and talk to him. He helped with answering a lot of questions about relationships and Old Testament questions I had. I feel a lot better about the relationship I am in with my boyfriend and I have a new/ changed outlook on life and following God. I also have a new direction on what I am going to be reading in the Bible and hopefully some really good questions come up from that that I can ask him next time we meet. Other than that, I am just trusting in the Lord.

Have a good week.

Before sin becomes an act, it is first a thought.  We call that being tempted.  If we do not call out to God for help and deliverance in these moments of temptation, or if we allow ourselves to indulge the thought of sin in our minds, we will likely commit the sin eventually.

Once we sin, God gives us a means to escape from sin's lure and grip, through the power of the Holy Spirit who lives within us.  We call this conviction-that internal "call" to turn around and change direction when we have sinned.

Just as sin begins in our minds (as a temptation), so repentance begins in our minds as the Holy Spirit brings conviction.  The mind is a crucial part of our spiritual anatomy.

Romans 12:1-2
¹ Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. ² And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

1) What role do our minds play in our pleasing God and being transformed into the likeness of Christ?

Since we first respond to spiritual matters with out minds, "renewing the mind" must include training it to
-recognize and run from temptation, and
-respond quickly to the Holy Spirit's conviction

2) How can we train our minds to resist temptation and to respond to the Spirit's conviction?

Once the Spirit convicts us of sin, how do we know if we have truly repented?

John the Baptist warned people to:
Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. Matthew 3:8

In the book of Revelation, Jesus said to the church in Ephesus:

⁴ But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. ⁵ Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first; or else I am coming to you and will remove your lampstand out of its place—unless you repent.  Revelation 2:4-5

According to these verses, what is the evidence that you have truly repented?
A. Feeling bad about my sin
B. Confessing my sin and saying, "I'm sorry."
C. A change in behavior

Repentance cannot be considered genuine unless there is outward evidence-change of behavior.  It's not just a matter of feeling bad about our sin.  If repentance is real, it will show itself.  The outward manifestation of repentance may be instantaneous or it may be seen over time.  The length of time for real change may depend on the nature of the sin and how long one has been involved in it, or other variables.  But sooner or later, there will be a change in behavior.

Humility and honesty provide the foundation of grace and revival.  The next step is responding to God's conviction in genuine repentance.  The concept of repentance is largely foreign to modern minds.  Just what is repentance?  What is its role in the life of a child of God?  How do we know if we have truly repented?

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

Ezekiel 18:30-32
³⁰ “Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, each according to his conduct,” declares the Lord GOD. “Repent and turn away from all your transgressions, so that iniquity may not become a stumbling block to you. ³¹ Cast away from you all your transgressions which you have committed and make yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! For why will you die, O house of Israel? ³² For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone who dies,” declares the Lord GOD. “Therefore, repent and live.”

Luke 15:1-7
¹ Now all the tax collectors and the sinners were coming near Him to listen to Him. ² Both the Pharisees and the scribes began to grumble, saying, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.”

 ³ So He told them this parable, saying, ⁴ “What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? ⁵ When he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. ⁶ And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

Acts 3:17-20
¹⁷ “And now, brethren, I know that you acted in ignorance, just as your rulers did also. ¹⁸ But the things which God announced beforehand by the mouth of all the prophets, that His Christ would suffer, He has thus fulfilled. ¹⁹ Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord; ²⁰ and that He may send Jesus, the Christ appointed for you,

1) What images, feelings, or reactions come to your mind when you think of "repentance"?

Silence is not golden when we use it to try to avoid the truth. Any attempt we make to hide from God-whether through silence or blatant lying-is absurd. Do we really believe God won't notice our sin or our efforts to conceal it? Apparently the disciples thought that was the case.

33 They came to Capernaum; and when He [a]was in the house, He began to question them, “What were you discussing on the way?” 34 But they kept silent, for on the way they had discussed with one another which of them was the greatest. Mark 9:33-34

Isn't it amazing that a group of men so close to Christ actually argued about which of them was most important? But they did, and Christ heard. He heard their argument, and He heard-through their silence-the sinful, proud attitudes that drove each of them to want to rule over the others.

In asking, "What were you discussing on the way?" Christ gave His disciples the opportunity to come clean, to "walk in the light" with Him. Instead they clammed up, hoping, no doubt, to avoid the truth. But a lie of omission is still a lie.

1) Why might Christ have waited to talk to the disciples rather than interrupting them while they were arguing? why the delay in confronting them?

The disciples weren't the first to try to conceal their sin-Adam and Eve made the same futile attempt:

8 They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the [a]cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 Then the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, “Where are you?” Genesis 3:8-9

After partaking of that which God had forbidden, Adam and Eve lost their innocence and discovered their guilt-and their nakedness. Immediately they went into concealment mode-sewing together fig leaves and looking for ways to blend into the landscape.

Have you ever thought how ridiculous it was for Adam and Eve to hope that a tree or a shrub would hide them from God? Have you ever thought how ridiculous it is for you and me to believe that by keeping silent about our sin we can throw God off the trail?

Just as interesting, however, is God's question: "Where are you?" (v.9). Of course, God knew exactly where Adam and Eve were- He had seen the whole thing. He knew what they had done, and He knew where they were hiding.

2) Why do you think God asked Adam, "Where are you?" rather than simply telling him that He had seen everything he'd done?
3) What does this teach us about how God deals with us when we sin?

God faithfully gives His straying children opportunity to repent. He wants us to break the silence and admit our wrongdoing and/ or sinful attitudes. He may do this by sending one of His servants to confront us (as Christ confronted the disciples), by causing us to suffer the consequences of our sin, or by allowing us to experience a depper sense of His love and mercy. However God chooses to get out attention, the best response to Him is an honest one. Honesty is liberating.

The Scripture reminds us that we are accountable to an all-seeing, all-knowing God. We can be sure that every attempt to hide our sins will fail.

2 But there is nothing covered up that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known. Luke 12:2

13 And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Hebrews 4:13

4) In light of everything you have ever done, said, or thought, how do these verses make you feel? Do they reassure you, or do they make you uncomfortable?

In the verses leading up to Hebrews 4:13, we see that it is for our good and by God's mercy that He reveals the truth about us, no matter how shameful that truth may be. We learn that the reason God discloses our thoughts, actions, and motives is to bring to us peace (rest; Hebrews 4:11-12). God is not a bully; He is a Savior. He cannot be soft on sin. His justice requires holiness that we, in our humanity, do not have the capacity for. The demands of God's justice have been satisfied through the sacrificial, substitutionary death of Jesus Christ on the cross. However, we must come clean; we must confess. Silence only condemns by keeping us guilty.

Think about this...confessing our sin-breaking the silence-ushers in the forgiveness and cleansing of God. So, why hide? Why remain silent?

Is there something in your life that you know is displeasing to God, some attitude or past behavior? Are you trying to hide it from God, hoping He'll overlook it? Is God calling you to break the silence today?